G522 - Joy

When I first moved to Calgary, I was working at a young church. I love working with junior high/middle school aged kids. Our church had a thriving children's department but several of the kids were starting to age out of that group and had nothing for them specifically. God burdened me to start at class on Sunday mornings specifically for this age group with the hopes of it turning into a youth group when they were old enough (which it did!). I wanted a cool name for this class so I started thinking and praying. I ended up naming the class G522 and while it may not have been super cool it had a much deeper meaning. G522 stands for Galatians 5:22 which says "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control..." My burden was to teach these kids about the fruit of the Spirit and how it could be a part of their every day lives. We spent the first 8-12 weeks talking about this verse and the first part of the next one. I was amazed at how often these 9 fruits came up every week in some form over the five years I taught this class. I loved those kids and learned a lot myself teaching them about it.

Twice this week the topic of the fruit of the Spirit has come up. In a world where chaos seems to reign, I have been reminded that God is sovereign. He has given His children the Holy Spirit so we can experience these fruits daily, hourly, minutely (is that a word??). At different seasons and on different days, I need different fruits.

This morning I was convicted of my lack of joy. A quick online search in my Bible app tells me that the word joy can be found 210 times throughout Scripture in the NIV translation. My favourite Bible verse is "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." (Romans 15:13). I usually am focused on this verse for the hope that comes from it. Today I am focused on the joy I can be filled with. Joy has no dependence on me making it happen. Joy is not something I can create. Joy is something that God wants to fill me with through His Holy Spirit. Not just give me a taste of it - FILL me with it. So why do I not feel full of joy today? I have tried to fill myself with other things. Things like being useful to God, being useful to people, my identity in the roles I play, my sickness and recovery, my loneliness, my depression, and more. These are things that I need to confess and let God remove to make room for the joy and peace He wants to fill me with so I can know the hope that He promises. Too much of my focus has been given to these things so I am missing out on the joy that God so desperately wants to give me.

As I was reading through the verses mentioned in my app I noticed a pattern. In the Old Testament, about half of the verses were about the Israelites and their loss of joy. I could relate to them a good bit as I was reading. The other majority of the joy verses in the Old Testament were a result of celebration of the things God has done. It's amazing to think that a simple shift in focus and perspective can start filling you with joy. In the New Testament, the Gospels have lots of references that come from knowing Jesus and the joy that He brings. I was also humbled and encouraged by Paul's use of joy from the perspective of a spiritual mentor. The joy that comes when his spiritual children are doing great things for God. I feel that one a lot. James talks about joy in trials and joy after humbling ourselves and making room for God in our hearts and lives. It was the James 4 passage that started me down this path this morning.

So here is my prayer for myself and for you if you need it too:
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51:12


Bonus verses that jumped out to me as I was scanning the list in my app today:

For seven days celebrate the festival to the LORD your God at the place the LORD will choose. For the LORD your God will bless you in all your harvest and in all the work of your hands, and your joy will be complete. Deuteronomy 16:15

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy. Psalm 94:19

I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. John 15:11

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy. 1 Peter 1:8

It is Well

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well with my soul.

Yesterday I had a very sobering meeting with my work team from across the US and two of us from Canada.  I had heard a small amount about how bad things were in New York City with the virus.  To protect my mental health I have been limiting my news intake to my province and country - even that is sporadic.  I check in on North Carolina once in awhile but my people living there keep me updated.  

We had a guy join our meeting to give us a first hand account of what he and other pastors are working through on the ground in NYC.  He shared how there is a tractor trailer truck parked outside a hospital where they are piling up dead bodies because the morgues are full.  Bodies are being moved using fork lifts because there are so many of them.  There are hundreds dying every day.  It's very sad.  It was very encouraging to hear how these men and women of God are trying to love and serve their neighbours.  A church planter partnered with a local small business to provide meals with those in need in their community.  The church paid a nominal fee for each meal which means blessing the business and the community at the same time.  The thing that stuck with me the most was when he said "This will determine who lusts after the souls of the lost in the city and who are here just because it's a cool location."  Lord may we all lust after lost souls in our city!

It continued to weigh heavy on my heart throughout the day.  I talked about it with just about everyone I talked to the rest of the day.  It's just so sobering to think about the hundreds of thousands of people around the world who will not survive this pandemic.  We will all likely have someone we know directly or indirectly that will pass away in this.  I managed to distract myself for most of the evening.  It's always good to talk to my little people on FaceTime.  I made myself a good dinner.  Thanking God continually that my tribe is safe and mostly healthy.  

As He usually does, God sent me a song as I was showering this morning.  We have our best conversations there!  Sorry if that's too much information.  The line from the song above "When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul."  The thoughts of all those people dying at once had crashed over me like a big wave from the ocean.  The sorrow from that was overwhelming but Jesus gently reminded me that whatever my lot, it is well with my soul.  Sorrows and circumstances feel very overwhelming at times these days.  Those are the days that, like Peter, my eyes are on the waves instead of the Saviour walking on water.  I am missing the wonder and miracle in front of me by focusing on the sad, sorrowful circumstances.  My prayer for all of us today is that we will not feel like we are drowning in the sorrows that surround and overtake us but that we fix our eyes on Jesus and rest in the fact that it is well with our souls.

So helpless

And the Spirit

He helps us in our weakness

we do not know how to pray as we should

but the Holy Spirit intercedes for us

with groanings too deep for words.

Romans 8:26

I read this verse on a friend's blog this morning and it brought tears to my eyes.  This is such a season of weakness.  Most days I feel so very helpless.  There is so much pain and suffering and grief in the world and there is not a thing I can do about it.  As a natural helper this is a significant struggle for me.  BUT GOD has been so faithful to invite me back to Him.  My Abba asks me to crawl up into His lap and sit with Him for awhile.  He longs for me to share my tears and my fears with Him.  He then reminds me that it is not my job to save the world.  Jesus already did that.  He also reminds me that He gave me His Spirit long ago when I asked Him to forgive my sins and started a relationship with Him.  He reminds of His promises that He will always be with me, that He has a plan full of hope for the world, and that He loves me unconditionally - whether I am helping someone or not!  Then there is this promise in this verse.  When all I can manage is a broken heart and tears that His Spirit is interceding for me with groanings too deep for words.  The Holy Spirit goes to the Father on my behalf and shares words and groans that show the Father my heart.  My tiny human brain cannot begin to visualize this scene but what I do imagine is a good reminder of how loved I am and how much God wants me to trust Him.

But He (Jesus) said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV)

His grace is sufficient for every weakness, every insult, every hardship, every persecution and every difficulty.  He needs my weakness so He can display His power through me.  It's hard to enter this Holy Week and not focus on the chaos in the world.  People are dying by the hundreds around the world every day.  Families are losing loved ones and cannot hold a funeral.  More people are getting sick daily and even hourly.  The people of this world are suffering.  My prayer is that each day this week my eyes will be fixed on my Saviour.  Then when I feel very weak, He can pour out His power on me.  For awhile that power may be needed to just get out of bed each day.  For a season that power may need to overflow to other people virtually.  For a season that power may drive me to my knees more often.  For a season that power may urge me to crawl into my loving Father's lap.  For a season that power will remind me that the Spirit is groaning on my behalf to a depth that cannot even be described in words.

I want to leave with a verse of the hymn that came to mind as I was writing this.  It's the fourth verse from "Power in the Blood."  If you don't know it then find it on your favourite music platform.  There's a link to a YouTube video of one of my favourite versions below.  It's a great one!  

Would you do service for Jesus your King?

There's power in the blood, power in the blood;

Would you live daily His praises to sing?

There's wonderful power in the blood.

Seeing the Unseen

My heart has turned toward the unseen people in this stay at home pandemic.  This week I got one of those phone calls that haunts you for a few days afterwards.  "I don't know if I want to live any more."  No matter how it's said or who says it, it will always be like a punch in the gut.  My heart breaks for this person and for the many others who are thinking similar things.  Fortunately, with Jesus' help, we were able to find some hope and reason to continue in life together.   This conversation has me thinking and praying over the other people who are feeling unseen in the midst of this pandemic.

God has blessed me with the ability and many opportunities to love other people's kids since I don't have any of my own.  I am particularly drawn to those in that 12-16 age range.  While our relationships are anything but predictable, I am thankful that God allows me to be an outside source of love, support, advice and trust.  It's when I get phone calls like the one above that makes me realize how important it is for them to have someone like me in their lives.  Many of these kids come from loving, supportive homes but just don't feel they can express themselves to their parents.  Some of these kids are living in very toxic home situations with nowhere to escape to every day.  Whatever the home situation looks like these teens need to be seen.

Teenagers are struggling right now.  They may say they are fine or ok but that's code for I don't know what on earth I am feeling right now (most of the time).  They have lost their routines.  They have lost the ability to connect with their friends every day at school.  Some have lost jobs.  They have lost the sports and extracurricular activities that provided a safe place to be accepted, understood and to have fun.  If your teens are anything like mine, then they are probably having a hard time expressing what they are feeling.  The things they have used to define themselves in these very formative years have all been taken away.  You will likely see them sleeping more.  You will likely see them being up to all hours of the night and sleeping through the day.  You may get some mood and attitude (which was probably there before this pandemic hit).  You may notice they are not eating as much or eating a lot more.  Please try to notice if there are cuts and scratches showing up on their arms and legs.  Many teenagers develop self-harming habits when they cannot express what they are feeling.  Harming themselves gives them a false sense of control when everything around them feels chaotic.

But Holly my teen won't talk to me when I try to ask them how they are feeling?  That's ok.  It may take time to become a safe space for them.  Most teenagers don't talk to their parents until the later teen years or beyond.  Please try to love and support them.  Take time to listen if they are talking.  Be a consistent, loving presence in their lives as they try to navigate what life at home looks like right now.  Be slow to anger and slow to speak - even if they have hit every last nerve in your body with that final eye roll or shoulder shrug.  This is a season where much grace is needed for ourselves, our kids and everyone we come into contact with!  If they do have safe, trusted adults in their lives - youth pastors, teachers, coaches, etc - please give them an opportunity to talk with those adults.  Those people love your teens and want them to become their best selves even in this hard time.  Please don't be jealous if your teen does open up to someone else.  It takes a village to raise a healthy kid and trust that if anything harmful was happening those adults will let you know.

Can I share with you something I started doing with these young ladies that has helped tremendously?  This is my club volleyball team and coaches - minus one.  Of course, we couldn't get them all looking at the camera at the same time.  It was so good to have this team together for about an hour last night.  I got to check in with them and listen to them talk to each other about random things.  This is a culture I intentionally try to create on every team I coach.  So how do I get this random collection of players from all over Calgary to love each other like family?  First, I love them like my own and earn their respect very early.  Second, I try to have check-ins with them at the end of every volleyball practice.  We sit or stand in a circle, then I ask a question and we all listen while everyone answers.  The question I asked last night in our video call was "What is one emotion that you have felt today?"  I try to ask this one at least once a week.  We started with using some mindfulness flashcards but have since moved away from those.  The rule is that no one can say the same emotion that someone else used.  Also, fine and tired are not emotions.  I love that they trust me and each other with their emotions.  Last night by naming emotions there was almost always at least 4-5 people who agreed with what was being felt.  I pray it was a healing time and that maybe they didn't feel quite as unseen by the end of it.  We had lots of laughs together too and us coaches just enjoyed listening in on everything.  We made plans to meet again each week and started discussing what we will do when we can all physically gather together again.  My prayer is that each of them remembers they are not alone and unseen.

I know some days it's hard to love your teenagers.  I know some days you just want to yell at them.  I know some days you want to force them to change their mood.  Please don't ever give up on them.  Please remember what you were like as a teenager and multiply everything times ten as these kids are facing pressures and choices we never dreamed would be possible.  Do your best to love them as they are and give them time and space to figure out what they need.  Keep asking.  It will pay off in the long run.  One of the best things you can say to your teenager is "I love you and I see you."  We all long to be seen!

You Will Be Found

This song has been an encouragement to me in these weeks of isolation.  James Cordon has a good word at the beginning of the video.  I hope it encourages you as well.

Grieving the Normal

We are living in a time that no one alive on earth has ever experienced before.  A pandemic has encircled the globe and our “normal” has been disrupted and dare I say destroyed.  Over the last few weeks I have been working hard at taking my own advice that I so often give to others.  I am trying to answer the question “How are you feeling?”  When talking through this with someone else I usually do check ins for physical, mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of their life.  I can usually answer three of those four pretty quickly for myself but always struggle with identifying my emotions in any given moment.  In the last 7-10 days, as I watched things slow down significantly and stop altogether in some parts of my life, I have been trying to identify what I am feeling.  The more I think about it the more I have recognized it as grief.

We are so quick to associate grief with death.  Yes, that is a huge part of losing someone you love to physical death.  I think we are often afraid of grief because we don’t understand it or feel that it closes a door that can never be opened again.  People who are way smarter than me have defined 5 or 7 stages of grief depending on which psychological camp you want to stand in.  Everyone agrees that there are certain emotions that every person individually processes in their own way.  I am in the 5 stage camp so here are the primary emotions: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.  I have felt all of these emotions in the past 7-10 days.  As any good counselor would tell you, just because you’ve felt all of these emotions doesn’t mean your grieving process is over.  Everyone goes through these emotions for a long time.  We all encounter things that trigger us from acceptance to another emotion – many, many times.  The goal is to be in that place of acceptance for longer periods of time and to return to it faster as you are triggered to other emotions.  I wish it was a nice happy circle or cycle so you can follow the exact path as it’s laid out, but it’s not.  The image that came to mind for me this morning was a dot-to-dot activity page.  Sometimes the numbers are close to each other but sometimes the creator takes you way across the page to some other part of the picture.  When the picture is complete it all makes sense but sometimes in the process the next step is inexplicable.  I feel the same is true for our emotions in grief.  Sometimes it follows the natural, expected path but then other times it goes way across the page to another emotion I wasn’t expecting.  I hold onto the fact that every time I go through the emotions of grief, they are making me a little stronger along the way.  They are making me a more sympathetic and empathetic person.  They are making me a better version of myself.

So Holly has someone died?  No.  Praise Jesus all of my tribe is still healthy.  So then what are you grieving?  It has taken me a few days to identify what exactly I am grieving.  Everyone in my circles thus far are healthy and safe.  In the last 24 hours I’ve been able to identify the object of my grief – my normal life.  I love my job.  I love my teams.  I love my church.  I love my tribe that stretches into two countries.  Since I’m being honest, I love being busy.  I love being needed.  I love hugs.  I love working hard all day and feeling like I earned my time for mindless activities at the end of the day.  I love sharing other people’s burdens, giving advice, hugs and prayers as we share a meal together.  I love being a regular part of people’s lives by showing up to support them, coach them and encourage them to become their best selves.  I love being able to leave my house any time.  I love being able to find simple things like hamburger meat and Clorox wipes at the grocery store.  These are the things that make my life feel normal.

Then along comes the Coronavirus, also known as COVID-19.  My normal has been blown to pieces.  I thankfully still have my job.  I can still communicate with my teams but it’s through a screen.  My church is learning and growing along with churches around the globe how to be the hands and feet of Jesus to our neighbours around us.  I have honestly grown closer to so many in my tribe in both countries.  The grief comes from not being busy.  My schedule used to only have one night a week that wasn’t occupied with something.  Now I am home every night of the week.  I have been working from home for a couple of years now so that’s not a big change.  The change is that I used to try to balance screen time with face-to-face people time.  That has been severely limited for the health and well-being of my people and myself.  A big part of my job is to plan and run events, which, thanks to this pandemic, have all been cancelled for the next several months.  My club volleyball season was officially cancelled yesterday.  I have been holding onto a small seed of hope that we would get at least one more match or tournament in eventually.  That is what finally closed the coffin and buried my normal into the ground.  Thus continues my dot-to-dot picture of grief.  As things have changed, been cancelled, closed, quarantined and socially distanced, my grief has processed to the next dot in my picture.  The hard part for me is not knowing exactly how many numbers are in my picture.  I feel like I’ve been through at least 50 already!  How hard and complex is this picture going to be?

Holly, aren’t you an introvert?  Isn’t being stuck at home an introvert’s dream?  Yes I am and give me a soapbox moment here.  Being an introvert means that I recharge by being alone.  Extroverts recharge by being around people.  Notice the word is REcharge.  That implies that energy has been exerted and you need more to continue.  I live alone in an apartment complex where I do not have a relationship with anyone else in my building.  I am approaching the point of burning out because I have so much “charge” to give.  God didn’t create us to do life alone.  He created us to be in relationship with Him and other people.  My relationship with Him is good but He doesn’t need me to expend any of my energy on Him.  He is the one I plug into to get charged while I am alone.  I am still maintaining and growing my relationships with people, but it’s just different.  Honestly for me, it is less draining when it’s through a screen.  Stepping off my soapbox now and returning to my dot-to-dot picture.

As with so many other pages of dot-to-dot pictures that I can look back on in my life, there is hope.  Some of those pictures are complete and others still have a few dots left on them that pop up in unexpected ways.  In spite of all that, I have hope that the Creator of my current picture, who also knows the final picture, is working to make me my best self who can bring Him glory.  I have hope that when things start to become the new normal that myself and the rest of the world will be better people.  In so many of my circles, we have been talking for months about how busy we are and how we need real rest.  God is giving us that right now.  So many discussions these past 7-10 days have involved our returning to basic spiritual practices which we didn’t have time for before.  So many people are looking out for their neighbours and reaching out to friends whom they haven’t spoken to in years.  The Spirit is leading us to overflow with love and peace while the world is in chaos.  The government is forcing us to be the church outside of our Sunday morning gatherings.  Although I grieve the things that I have lost, I see a beautiful world finally getting to take a deep breath and us returning to the people the Father wants us to be.  This gives me hope as I continue to grieve my normal.