Seeing the Unseen

My heart has turned toward the unseen people in this stay at home pandemic.  This week I got one of those phone calls that haunts you for a few days afterwards.  "I don't know if I want to live any more."  No matter how it's said or who says it, it will always be like a punch in the gut.  My heart breaks for this person and for the many others who are thinking similar things.  Fortunately, with Jesus' help, we were able to find some hope and reason to continue in life together.   This conversation has me thinking and praying over the other people who are feeling unseen in the midst of this pandemic.

God has blessed me with the ability and many opportunities to love other people's kids since I don't have any of my own.  I am particularly drawn to those in that 12-16 age range.  While our relationships are anything but predictable, I am thankful that God allows me to be an outside source of love, support, advice and trust.  It's when I get phone calls like the one above that makes me realize how important it is for them to have someone like me in their lives.  Many of these kids come from loving, supportive homes but just don't feel they can express themselves to their parents.  Some of these kids are living in very toxic home situations with nowhere to escape to every day.  Whatever the home situation looks like these teens need to be seen.

Teenagers are struggling right now.  They may say they are fine or ok but that's code for I don't know what on earth I am feeling right now (most of the time).  They have lost their routines.  They have lost the ability to connect with their friends every day at school.  Some have lost jobs.  They have lost the sports and extracurricular activities that provided a safe place to be accepted, understood and to have fun.  If your teens are anything like mine, then they are probably having a hard time expressing what they are feeling.  The things they have used to define themselves in these very formative years have all been taken away.  You will likely see them sleeping more.  You will likely see them being up to all hours of the night and sleeping through the day.  You may get some mood and attitude (which was probably there before this pandemic hit).  You may notice they are not eating as much or eating a lot more.  Please try to notice if there are cuts and scratches showing up on their arms and legs.  Many teenagers develop self-harming habits when they cannot express what they are feeling.  Harming themselves gives them a false sense of control when everything around them feels chaotic.

But Holly my teen won't talk to me when I try to ask them how they are feeling?  That's ok.  It may take time to become a safe space for them.  Most teenagers don't talk to their parents until the later teen years or beyond.  Please try to love and support them.  Take time to listen if they are talking.  Be a consistent, loving presence in their lives as they try to navigate what life at home looks like right now.  Be slow to anger and slow to speak - even if they have hit every last nerve in your body with that final eye roll or shoulder shrug.  This is a season where much grace is needed for ourselves, our kids and everyone we come into contact with!  If they do have safe, trusted adults in their lives - youth pastors, teachers, coaches, etc - please give them an opportunity to talk with those adults.  Those people love your teens and want them to become their best selves even in this hard time.  Please don't be jealous if your teen does open up to someone else.  It takes a village to raise a healthy kid and trust that if anything harmful was happening those adults will let you know.

Can I share with you something I started doing with these young ladies that has helped tremendously?  This is my club volleyball team and coaches - minus one.  Of course, we couldn't get them all looking at the camera at the same time.  It was so good to have this team together for about an hour last night.  I got to check in with them and listen to them talk to each other about random things.  This is a culture I intentionally try to create on every team I coach.  So how do I get this random collection of players from all over Calgary to love each other like family?  First, I love them like my own and earn their respect very early.  Second, I try to have check-ins with them at the end of every volleyball practice.  We sit or stand in a circle, then I ask a question and we all listen while everyone answers.  The question I asked last night in our video call was "What is one emotion that you have felt today?"  I try to ask this one at least once a week.  We started with using some mindfulness flashcards but have since moved away from those.  The rule is that no one can say the same emotion that someone else used.  Also, fine and tired are not emotions.  I love that they trust me and each other with their emotions.  Last night by naming emotions there was almost always at least 4-5 people who agreed with what was being felt.  I pray it was a healing time and that maybe they didn't feel quite as unseen by the end of it.  We had lots of laughs together too and us coaches just enjoyed listening in on everything.  We made plans to meet again each week and started discussing what we will do when we can all physically gather together again.  My prayer is that each of them remembers they are not alone and unseen.

I know some days it's hard to love your teenagers.  I know some days you just want to yell at them.  I know some days you want to force them to change their mood.  Please don't ever give up on them.  Please remember what you were like as a teenager and multiply everything times ten as these kids are facing pressures and choices we never dreamed would be possible.  Do your best to love them as they are and give them time and space to figure out what they need.  Keep asking.  It will pay off in the long run.  One of the best things you can say to your teenager is "I love you and I see you."  We all long to be seen!